I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
