I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
