I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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