saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
