I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
