my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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