After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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