Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
