He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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