If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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