Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
