Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
