I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
false alarm, still single
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize