I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
