I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
