apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
