Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
