The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
