then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
