I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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