Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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