Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
