I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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