I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
