look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
