Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
