so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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