the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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