Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
