do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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