WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
