Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All I want is dick and wine.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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