You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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