I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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