My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
