look no pants
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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