I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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