I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he fucked my hip out of place.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
