It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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