Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
