Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
