i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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