I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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