i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Do plants get herpes?
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