but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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