My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
