All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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