I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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