Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
