Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
