I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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