Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
someone owes me an orgasm
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
