i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
