Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
