His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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